Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.