This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
You Might Also Like
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon