Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked