“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time