I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!