GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Happy Friday
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Still my favourite meme.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin