Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.