Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus