These work great until they don’t.
You Might Also Like
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
peep davidson
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.