ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”