I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
You Might Also Like
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.