ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I am having an out of money experience.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*