They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Confused owl: What?!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Happy Star Wars day!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*