HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG