As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.