cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.