My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
23. the denim jacket
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*