ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*