me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.