They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
🍞🦆
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My birthstone is kidney
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.