If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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My daily affirmation
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’m sorry…what?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets