For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
this is the best day of my life
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.