When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
This is my bus stop.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”