you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow