Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs