Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
You Might Also Like
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.