I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
This a good idea
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh