How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I can’t wait!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?