My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
You Might Also Like
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Autocarrot sucks!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM