My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean