ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you