*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired