but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?