I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!