[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Bro what is this
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?