Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!