*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
oh no, steve’s working tonight
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat