The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
how to have fun when you’re poor
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️