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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My Guy
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
BRAKING NEWS!!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.