Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭