{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.