I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!