2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*sewing*
A thread
an octopus is just a wet spider
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?