My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool