I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
You Might Also Like
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
All generalizations are stupid.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”