“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
ready to be harvested
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.