[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.