How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!