All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨