A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
How dude HOW?!
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.